Before we begin, here’s a disclaimer:
We’re using the term “scientifically proven” in the loosest possible sense.
Everything on this list has been cited by at least 1 actual hot women as a major factor in a man’s overall attractiveness, and according to a couple of intense Google searches completed before writing this post, most of these things have been supported by survey results.
Surveys are kind of like science right?
This is a blog post written by a fat, cartoon panda bear. If you choose to interpret it as a credible academic source, that’s your decision.
Of course, as a cartoon animal, I’m clearly an authority on being fat and still attracting hot women.
If you want some actual science, though, here’s an article from Livescience about why attractive women are more likely to marry guys who aren’t quite in their league.
That’s good news for single big boys, isn’t it?
Meanwhile, here’s a list of things that hot women find sexier than a 6-pack:
15 Things Sexier than a 6-Pack
Chicks dig older men.
Fortunately, most men prefer younger women.
Of course, older is a relative term. Most girls have some kind of a limit on the age gap they’ll consider – for some girls, 5 years of difference is too old, while others regularly look for men 25 years their senior.
Fact: a touch of gray in our hair is somehow totally hot.
Or maybe female brains are hardwired to look for any indicator that a potential mate can provide security and comfort, and men who are a few years older are likely more established.
Whatever the reason, it’s good news. And science.
Like anything else, facial hair goes in and out of style.
Right now, thick, lumberjack beards are just the thing, and tons of women on Tinder are identifying themselves as pogonophiles.
A pogonophile, by the way, is just a pretentious way to describe someone who likes beards.
Here’s a word of caution for guys our size, though:
Beware the neckbeard.
Thin, stubbly growth all over your second and third chin are the opposite of attractive.
Keep facial hair well groomed, and your beard should be styled to enhance your facial features – not just cover them up. When in doubt, visit a proper barber for a consultation and a professional shave.
Don’t be afraid of a little gray in your beard hair, either. See the point above for more on being a sexy older gent.
Remember: women love animals.
Having a dog is a triple threat:
- You’ll have more opportunities to meet women while you’re walking Fido or visiting the dog park.
- Women will totally use you for your dog, which isn’t a bad thing at all.
- You have a dog. Right?!
Girls will approach you in public to pet your dog, giving you the opportunity to show off your massive…intellect.
Having a dog conveys that you’re social, and it confirms that you have the capacity to care about something other than yourself, which is one of those things girls seem to like.
And, let’s be honest:
You could probably use a few more reasons to go outside from time to time.
Sunlight and socialization would do all of us good.
#12: Eye Contact
Okay, before you go out and start staring down all the babes at your favorite burger place, let’s get something straight:
There’s a BIG difference between sexy eye contact, and serial killer eye contact.
You’re aiming for an effect a little more like this:
And a little less like this:
According to pickup artists, eye contact can make a connection, build sexual tension, and break the ice, all in one move.
Proper use of eye contact is definitely sexier than a 6-pack if you can wield it correctly. Here are some tips:
When a girl catches you looking at her, don’t look away immediately.
But don’t stare her down, either.
So, if you can’t stare, but you can’t look away, what do you do?
Basically anything else.
If you’re feeling saucy, you can smile, wink, and raise your milkshake in an across-the-room salute.
Goofy fellows might make a face – stick out your tongue and flash a big, humorous grin.
Acknowledge her in some way, and if she smiles and looks down, she’s totally yours.
It might take some practice to appear a little less like a sociopath and more like a social god, but it’s a skill well worth building.
#11: A Dazzling Smile
You know what makes a smile dazzling?
Good oral hygiene.
Even if your teeth aren’t perfectly straight, at least make sure they’re regularly brushed and flossed.
A big, genuine smile is one of the most attractive things you can wear.
Well, that and deodorant. And a Big Boy Bamboo tee shirt. Duh.
Wide, toothy, unreserved grins are your best way of saying: “Hey, I’m joyful, fun to be around, and adhere to basic hygienic standards!”
Chicks dig joyful, fun, hygienic dudes.
#10: Some Basic Fashion Sense
The latest fashion trends aren’t necessarily the most important thing in your life, but a basic understanding of what looks good on you will do a lot of good when it comes to attractiveness.
Here’s what you need to know about fashion:
First – wear clothes that fit. Going too big or too small will only make you look slovenly and fatter, so only wear stuff in your own size.
Last – wear clothes that flatter. Whether you’re built like a linebacker, a fullback, or a potato, you can find clothes that suit your body.
If you’re ready for the advanced course, you can use websites like Chubstr for guides on accessorizing and styling, but well chosen tee shirts and jeans are basically enough.
Unfortunately, the fashion industry doesn’t really acknowledge dudes shaped and sized like us, so finding things that fit all of our dimensions without making it look like we’re wearing a pillowcase can be a challenge.
But there is hope.
Rather than stocking your closet with a load of sort-of-fitting clothing, do this instead:
Buy a few nice shirts, pairs of pants, and jackets.
Get things that fit comfortably around the largest part of you.
Then, take those things to a tailor and have them custom fitted for your body.
A guy in a fitted jacket with a couple of wisely chosen accessories is basically catnip for women, even without washboard abs.
Skinny guys who are still wearing clothes off the rack will look like bums next to you.
There’s very little that’s sexier to a woman than a good listener.
Except for the next 8 things on this list, of course.
Being attentive is about more than just listening to your girl while she vents, though.
Paying attention when she mentions how much she would love to see The Nutcracker ballet this year and surprising her with tickets is attentiveness.
Remembering your waitress’s name and thanking her at the end of your meal is also attentiveness.
People naturally pay more attention to the things they care about, so being more attentive to other people in general shows the world that you genuinely care about others.
Caring about others is totally sexier than a 6-pack!
In addition to being attentive, it pays to also be kind.
Being kind doesn’t mean you can’t also be assertive, vocal, and confident.
Some guys who lack self esteem hide behind things like “nice” and “kind” behavior as a way to deflect attention from their timidity, and that’s not at all what kindness really is.
Deep, genuine, and sincere kindness comes from a place of love and understanding.
This is a pretty snarky blog, and we’ll get back to that in a minute, but let’s take a second first to acknowledge that the world could use a little more kindness, love, and understanding.
It might seem like hot girls always go for assholes, but those douchebags aren’t long-term material.
The guys that get the girl in the end are the guys who are really, honestly kind, and that’s pretty cool.
Now, we return to our regularly scheduled snark.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, the world is going to laugh at you anyway. You might as well be in on the joke.
Girls love a guy who can make her laugh.
They don’t necessarily love guys who laugh at their own unfunny jokes, and clowns are terrifying, but if you can really get a girl to laugh, you can probably also get her to take off her pants.
A healthy sense of humor is an indicator of a healthy intellect, so if she thinks you’re funny, she probably also thinks you’re smart.
Have you ever wondered why so many fat men become comedians and DJs?
Hint: it’s for the chicks.
We’ll talk about the “science” behind DJ appeal later in this post.
Humor makes you appear smarter, but so does actual intelligence.
All those girls on Tinder who self-identify as pogonophiles often include the much-cliched term sapiosexual, which means they’re into smart guys.
Maybe smart kids got picked on in school, but in the grownup world, being smart is cool.
However, being pretentious is a little less cool, so while you’re showing off your volumes of leather-bound books and throwing out words like perspicacity and floccinaucinihilipilification, try to also temper it with humility…and sagacity.
If you don’t know whether you’re successfully showing off your dazzling intellect or falling into the realm of pretension, do this quick test:
Are you acting smart, or are you actually smart?
Whenever you’re trying to appear smarter than you actually are, you’re just being needlessly pretentious, and that’s a turn-off.
However, if you really do quote Nietzsche in everyday situations, solve calculus problems to pass your toilet time, and enjoy reading about quantum mechanics…
If you weren’t born with a natural disposition for wit, that’s okay.
Learn a skill.
This feature is one of the reasons musicians, DJs, and even street magicians attract so many babes, even if they weren’t genetically blessed.
You don’t even need to have a talent that’s well suited for performance.
Maybe you’re a really good cook, or a competitive chili dog eating champion. The point is that you’re good at something.
Don’t be afraid to show off a little.
Add passion to your talents, and you’ll be an unstoppable force of pure sex appeal.
Go ahead – show off your 30 year action figure collection if that’s what really paddles your canoe. As long as you’re genuinely passionate, she won’t be able to resist!
Talk about the things that light your (figurative) fire.
After all, if she sees you being passionate about saving the pandas, she’ll start to wonder where else your passions lie.
By the way, you should definitely be interested in saving the pandas, in my expert panda opinion.
#3: Status and Influence
Come on, haven’t you ever seen a guy out with a girl who’s way out of his league and thought: he must be rich to get a girl like that?
It’s not just money that girls like, though it definitely helps.
Having social status, influence over people, and a certain amount of respect are more important than the dollars in your pocket.
I mean, probably. I wouldn’t know from actual experience, but Google said it’s true.
The sciencey explanation is this:
Women want a guy who can make her feel safe, and if they feel safe when a guy is top dog because he can probably handle all of her needs.
It’s primal or something.
Luckily, you can achieve top dog social status by things like being the lead singer in a band – remember the aforementioned comedians and DJs? – or simply by being the decision maker in your own social group.
So, be the dude that throws the Super Bowl party at your house.
You’ll get to have a Super Bowl party, and you’ll be hotter. Science!
It’s no secret that age and maturity don’t necessarily go together.
Women like men who are stable, self sufficient, and independent – in short, mature.
Admittedly, this blog is probably not a credible authority on maturity, but as the official spokespanda for Big Boy Bamboo, I’m more than qualified to give examples of what not to do.
If you get angry and flip the table because your scrabble opponent got a triple word score playing xylophone, that is not maturity.
If you refuse to leave the house for 6 days because you don’t have any clean underpants and don’t feel like doing laundry, that is also not maturity.
If your mom visits weekly to clean up your dirty dishes for you, this is apparently not maturity, either.
So, avoid doing those 3 things, and you’ll probably be fine.
Of course, the most important attribute that women find way sexier than a 6-pack is this:
You may be fat, ridiculous, and slightly hairy, but if you’re confident enough to rock it, chicks will find you irresistible.
I mean, I know a few things about being fat, ridiculous, and hairy.
This is really what your mom meant when she told you to just be yourself:
Be comfortable in your own skin. Instead of trying to force yourself to be trendier, bolder, thinner, beefier, or anything-elseier, take some pride in the man you really are.
The man you are when nobody’s looking should be the same man you are in public.
You never have to apologize for who you are.
The sexiest possible thing you can be is yourself.