Paunch Panda's Fat Hacks - Volume 1 - Plus Size Humor and Advice
Welcome to the first edition of Fat Hacks, Paunch's totally practical and not at all ridiculous guide for living as a fat man.
You're invited to share your own tips in the comments below.
If you're helpful, witty, or otherwise worthy of plagiarising, you might see your comment come up in future editions of Fat Hacks. (Don't let the plagiarism comment bother you - we'll totally give you credit.) (Not money, but credit.)
You can also tweet Paunch directly @PaunchPanda to share your own #FatHacks with the community.
Fat Hacks - Plus Size Humor and Advice
1: Stop trying to look skinny
Clothing that squeezes you into a smaller size doesn't make you look skinny.
It makes you look like an overstuffed sausage.
Instead of trying to deny your size, embrace your physique!
If you really want to be skinny, it's totally okay to work with a medical professional or a trainer to shed some weight - but until then, wear your own size.
2: Wear literal camouflage to hide your least favorite features
Black is supposed to be slimming, but do you know what will actually hide your least flattering features? Camo! It's the ultimate optical illusion. To get the look, all you have to do is apply camouflage fabric, available at most fabric and craft stores, to your everyday clothing. Your friends will think you lost weight overnight! Click to Tweet: Literally camouflage your body type with camo fabric appliques. #FatHacks
3: To get more dates, carry Nutella everywhere
Chicks love Nutella, so if you want to attract more girls, keep it handy.
Paunch recommends sitting in a prominent location with an open jar and two spoons.
Feel free to get started - when girls see that you've brought an extra spoon, they'll get the hint that they're invited to join.
Guaranteed to work.* *Note: Guarantees made by a cartoon panda are not actual guarantees and will not be honored by anyone here at BigBoyBamboo.com.
4: Ditch the belt, it's not helping
Anyone with more waist than butt has experienced the sagging pants situation - no matter how many times you pull them up, and no matter how tightly you cinch your belt, they always slide down again.
In fact, the belt seems to make it worse because the added weight gives gravity something else to pull on.
Ditch the belt and get a few stylish pairs of suspenders.
Not only are they once again in fashion, but they're way more effective than belts, AND they actually make round guys look less round.
5: Wear 3-piece suits everywhere, all the time, without exception
Everyone likes a man in a suit.
You'll never look like a douche or feel even slightly out of place if you always wear a complicated fitted suit everywhere you go.
Just coordinate the pocket square for the occasion - red for your son's baseball game, and blue for your girlfriend's dog's birthday party.
For extra effect, add your favorite sunglasses, especially indoors.
It just screams "I'm cool."
6: If you notice your shirt has a sweat stain, distract people with handfuls of glitter
It's hot, you're sweating, and before you can get back into an adequately air conditioned building, your shirt has an unattractive sweat bib.
What do you do?
Carry large amounts of glitter confetti in your pockets at all times, and if you find yourself sporting an embarrassing sweat stain, just toss a handful in the air and run away.
7: BodyGlide is the go-to solution for chub rub
BodyGlide is available at Amazon.com.
Chafing. It's basically the worst thing about summer.
Luckily, whether you've got inner thigh irritation, underarm friction, or moob rash, there's an awesome thing called BodyGlide to help.
It looks like a stick of deodorant and doesn't leave any slimy, greasy residue like some other products.
Apply it just about anywhere, then live your life.
You'll thank us later.
Unless you have no manners, of course.
Since you're a smart guy, you probably noticed that the best tips have an extra hashtag attached.
If you're going to share top-level tips with Paunch on Twitter, you should probably use the same hashtag.
If you're not into tweeting, leave us a comment below with your own brilliant and not-at-all-ridiculous Fat Hacks!