Paunch Panda's New Year Resolutions
The beginning of a new year is a time for reflection. It's a time for looking forward to the year ahead, and appreciating the highlights of the one behind. It's a time for making promises to yourself that you know you're not going to keep.
It's time for New Year Resolutions.
In honor of old traditions, new beginnings, and hopefully your personal amusement, here are my own 2017 resolutions:
Paunch's New Year Resolutions
As an anthropomorphic cartoon animal, I prefer to set the bar low so that I'm not too disappointed when I don't follow through. Low expectations are, after all, the secret to happiness.
Meanwhile, my friends are harassing me - ahem, encouraging me - to be more ambitious with my fitness goals this year.
Build up some muscle. Maybe run a marathon or something. I mean, have you ever met a panda? We're not exactly known for our athleticism. I didn't become the mascot of a company called Big Boy Bamboo by being svelte and streamlined. However: My friends might have a point about the whole fitness thing, so my first resolution is this:
1: Bench Press a Buick
According to a Google search I just did, it's easier for fat people to build muscle than it is for skinny people.
I'm just assuming the same physiological rules apply for cartoon pandas.
In other words, I already have one hell of a head start on the muscle-building front.
How heavy can a Buick be, anyway?
(Note: another Google search indicates that a Buick LeSabre weights about 3,560 pounds. I've totally got this.)
Now, with my "stretch goal" set for 2017, I feel better about my other resolutions being much more realistic. Aim low, kids.
2: Eat More Chili Dogs
I don't really know how many chili dogs I ate in 2016, but I know it wasn't enough.
Chili dogs are one of mankind's greatest inventions and are cherished most warmly by cartoon-panda-kind like me.
This is what New Year Resolutions are all about - vowing to bring more joy into my life by bingeing regularly on the best food ever created while remaining nonspecific enough that I'll never be disappointed by failure.
Plus, if I grow a shirt size, I'll get new clothes.
It just keeps getting better. Speaking of shirt sizes...
3: Design Even Better Fitting Tee Shirts
All of us here at Big Boy Bamboo have spent months asking guys our size what we can do to make shirts that fit better, and most of you have given us the same answer:
We want shirts that are long enough to cover our belly without fitting everywhere else like a circus tent.
So, since the guy who actually does all the work has already started the process for the new tee shirt design, it's safe for me to make this particular New Year Resolution:
I'm going to help Big Boy Bamboo create a shirt that keeps you covered - even when you raise your arms over your head - that still fits great everywhere else.
Consider it done.
Or, at least, almost done.
More accurately, you can consider it coming soon to BigBoyBamboo.com.
And while I'm resolving to do things that the company is already working on, let's add:
4: Change the Men's Fashion Industry
I say it all the time, and it's still true:
The men's fashion industry treats plus sizes horribly.
Fat is not a dirty word.
Men our size aren't a sensitive topic.
Yet, it's as if most clothing manufacturers are afraid to even acknowledge our existence.
In 2017, I and all of the human people at Big Boy Bamboo are working to change that.
We're advertising our shirts on models who actually wear the sizes we make.
We're addressing real fat guy issues, like body shape differences, moob sweat, and chafing.
We're not apologizing for our size, weight, shape, or attitudes, because there's nothing to apologize for.
And when you share that message, too, you're helping send a message to the men's fashion industry that guys like us don't need delicate handling or patronizing slogans. We just need clothes that fit. That's why my last New Year's Resolution for 2017 isn't the standard promise to lose weight and get in shape.
5: Stay Fat and Cute
I'm an Official Fat Panda.
If I lose weight, I'll lose my job, too.
My chili dog resolution will probably take care of my body type goals for me, so this last 2017 Resolution is here mainly as a reminder to be satisfied with myself.
Maybe you're working towards washboard abs in 2017, and I totally support that.
We'll all cheer you along even when you're too slim for Big Boy Bamboo because that's a huge achievement!
Or, maybe you're like me, and you're not so concerned about your waistline.
Either way, I hope we also have this in common:
We're happy with who we are.
Remember: Having a fitness or weight loss goal doesn't necessarily mean that you dislike your current self.
In fact, the opposite is true - you've got to like and respect your body in order to decide to do something difficult (like a fitness program) to take care of it.
So, what are your resolutions for next year?
Tell me about them in the comments!