Paunch's Plus-Size Guide to Picking Up Chicks - Dating for Big Guys
Picking up chicks might seem intimidating, but with a little know-how and some totally realistic, not at all ridiculous tips from the Paunch, the Official Fat Panda, you'll be surrounded by women before you can say "grossly underpaid copywriter masquerading as a cartoon animal."
Disclaimer: Take advice from cartoon pandas at your own risk. If you want advice from an actual dating expert, scroll down to the bottom of this post.
Second disclaimer: Paunch is fairly compensated for his work on this blog. Animal rights activists, rest easy.
Paunch's Best Tricks for Picking Up Chicks
1) Wear attention-grabbing clothing.
Some guys manage to turn heads by sheer sex appeal alone, but the rest of us need a better strategy.
Want to be the center of attention?
Then make sure you're wearing the loudest, brightest, most ostentatious clothing in the room.
Trust me, the girls won't be able to stop staring.
I'm not saying you should dress up as a clown...but girls do love a guy who can make them laugh, so I'm not saying that you shouldn't, either.
Hey, not everyone can be a cute and cuddly panda bear.
You have to work with what you've got, and sometimes, what you've got is a fringed vest, a gold chain, and metallic parachute pants.
2) Learn a new, lady-approved skill.
Acrobatic hula hooping. Sword swallowing. Unicycling. Competitive eating.
What do all of these activities have in common?
Chicks love them.
The louder, crazier, and riskier the activity, the more chicks will gather around to watch.
Soon, you'll have your pick from the crowd.
This works even better if you combine it with tip #1.
3) Stalk Check out girls' social media profiles.
Trying to get a girl's attention?
Like all of her Facebook pictures.
Chicks naturally want you to pay attention to them, and what better way to prove your interest than a little light stalking?
Plus, now there are a whole array of emojis that can help you express exactly how you feel about her without ever saying a word.
You can't say the wrong thing if you don't say anything at all.
This works especially well if she doesn't know who you are in real life.
Online friends are the best kind of friends.
Tips From an Actual Dating Expert
There's a tiny chance that Paunch's advice only works for cartoon animals, so on the off chance that you're not a cartoon animal, we've brought in a real dating expert.
Dating for Big Guys
According to our expert's advice, big men actually have a distinct advantage over their skinnier counterparts.
Women have a strong, instinctive desire to feel safe and secure around a man.
Big guys hold a special biological appeal, because, within a woman's primal subconscious, she equates size with safety and protection.
Your bulk might not be the most fashionable body type right now, but evolutionarily speaking, you're a top prospect for a potential mate.
Of course, you can't rely on evolutionary biology alone to pick up chicks.
The 5 expert tips below all hinge on 1 main factor that will determine your success or failure with the ladies:
5 Methods for Big Guys to Dominate at Dating
1) Wear clothes that fit.
When you look good, you feel good.
Many men hide under baggy clothing or try too hard to participate in the latest trends without considering their body type.
Get clothes in the correct size and be true to your own style.
You'll automatically increase your confidence level, and women will respond to your look and your attitude.
2) Take up a casual sport.
Join a bowling league, start playing squash with friends, or join the racquetball league at your gym.
Participating in sports like tennis, golf, or even billiards gives you an excuse to be a little more active and sociable.
Even a small increase in your activity level has a major impact on your outlook, and the sense of accomplishment and camaraderie you feel after playing a competitive sport is great for your personal confidence.
You might not meet a girl within your local softball league, but the subtle changes in your attitude and demeanor will improve your odds of dating success.
3) Get social.
Join clubs, find interesting groups on websites like Meetup.com, or start volunteering for an organization that's important to you.
Focus on your interests and aim to make a positive contribution.
Social activities like these are a chance to showcase your compassion, intelligence, and experience.
Of course, being recognized for your talents and abilities is a tremendous confidence booster, and it's likely that participating in some groups will increase your overall social status and make you more desirable to women.
Plus, you're going to meet lots of new people who share your interests, and as your social circle grows, so does your number of potential dates.
4) Showcase your skills.
Maybe you're a great cook with exceptional grilling skills, or you might have incredible technological prowess.
Share those talents with others!
Maybe you can volunteer to cook for a church fundraiser or give a small class for people who want to learn how to design a website.
Whatever you're good at, whether it's singing, dancing, standup comedy, or photography, get out there and show off a little.
Being in the spotlight for your natural abilities or most developed skills brings you the right kind of attention, both from your peers and from eligible women.
The recognition you'll receive is another excellent way to build your confidence, and the extra attention will help shape your overall character.
5) When online dating, stand out in the right way.
Most men who try online dating would love to stand out, but they do it in all the wrong ways.
To get the most out of your online dating experience, the first thing to consider is your profile picture.
It's the first impression you're giving a girl, long before she ever reads your profile, and it can be a deal-breaker if you aren't careful.
Your picture should be a clear shot of your face, taken in a well-lit space, and you should be smiling.
Go for a warm, inviting, genuine expression, and don't try to fake slimness with the camera angle - you'll end up looking weird.
When you make your username, choose something that's either neutral or that expresses something positive about you.
Lots of guys try too hard to be clever, or they use words that are sexually suggestive, negative, or desperate.
Don't spend too much time agonizing over a clever name, since it won't matter after that brief first impression.
And, finally, don't use self-deprecating humor.
You might be tempted to make negative jokes about yourself, but it's a bad habit that will make girls assume you have low self-esteem.
You've got way more good qualities than bad, so focus on those.