Paunch Panda's Fat Hacks - Volume 2 - Plus Size Humor and Advice
Welcome back to Fat Hacks, Paunch's not-at-all-ridiculous guide to living the fat life!
Make sure to follow Paunch (@PaunchPanda) on Twitter for advice, entertainment, and the occasional chili dog reference.
Here's how this works:
Being a fat guy can be frustrating.
We face challenges and issues that are unique to our lifestyles, and nobody ever seems to want to talk about it.
Fat Hacks is a chance to share the little tricks we've learned to solve the problems of the plus size life.
We believe that taking yourself too seriously is a mistake, so feel free to laugh at us...we're definitely laughing at ourselves.
Paunch's Fat Hacks
1: Layer Intelligently
If you're fashion-conscious, or if you have to wear a formal jacket and stand outside for something like your former college roommate's wedding, there will be times when you have to wear layers in hot weather.
On most of those occasions, you will probably not want to spend a day drenched in your own sweat, and you will especially not want your sogginess visible to others.
To prevent sweat stains and help you stay cool, your bottom layer should be a lightweight shirt made of natural fibers that will help absorb that sweat and keep you cool and dry.
Of course, Big Boy Bamboo is recommended for the job, but I'm a little biased.
2: Learn to Juggle
If you're self-conscious about your body, or you can't find clothes that fit, just embrace it.
Wear clothes that are way too big and learn to juggle!
People will just assume you're a clown, and they won't notice your body at all.
To pull this off, just wear really bright clothing and carry a few colorful balls in your pocket.
If you ever feel uncomfortable in a social situation, BAM! Juggle.
3: Get Creative With Body Hair
Big Boy Bamboo model Andy knows how to wear a beard!
Everyone knows that a well-groomed beard makes you look more masculine, and you can even make your face look thinner and jaw look stronger by trimming it up correctly.
So why can't we do the same thing with our chests?
Treat your chest hair like a topiary and trim it into attractive shapes to enhance your pecs - and if you're lucky enough to have hair all over, you can manufacture abs, shapely shoulders, and a sculpted back, too.
If all else fails, you can get even more creative and shave shapes and designs into your body fur.
The Superman logo on your chest?
Stars and stripes down your tummy?
The possibilities are endless.
4: Don't Buy Cheap Shoes
Big guys tend to have a lot of foot problems.
Standing for too long or walking too far can cause excruciating plantar pain, even though we might have the energy and desire to keep going.
Think about this:
Most nurses buy top-notch walking and running shoes for work, because they're going to spend a lot of time on their feet.
They don't buy cheap shoes because they need excellent support and comfort.
Well, we need excellent support and comfort, too. Instead of buying the standard $40 pair of sneakers, invest in a great pair of walking shoes that fit your feet and give you awesome support.
You'll be healthier, more comfortable, and be able to do more.
5: Comfort Comes Before Fashion
Big Boy Bamboo Model Andy takes comfort to an all-new level!
You shouldn't have to choose between looking good and feeling comfortable.
If you have to dress up, buy a suit for work, or you've decided to up your style game, make sure you're not buying clothes that make you feel stuffy or uncomfortable.
You might have to look a little harder, but you can and will find nice-looking clothes that make you look like the dapper, confident man you are.
If you buy clothes that are too heavy, that make you feel self-conscious, or just aren't absolutely comfortable, you're going to look uncomfortable.
It's always better to buy the slightly less trendy option if you don't love the look of the "ideal" piece of clothing.
As usual, you might have noticed that some of these totally awesome tips have an extra hashtag...
When you share your own secrets for living the fat life, you should add
to your life-changing, practical tips.
What are your #FatHacks? Share them with @PaunchPanda on Twitter, or tell us about it in the comments below!