Paunch Panda's Fat Hacks - Volume 3 - Tips & Tricks for Plus Size Men
Welcome to the 3rd Fat Hacks, Paunch's handy guide to living as a fat man!
Be sure to follow Paunch on Twitter @PaunchPanda for more hacks, chili dog references, and Big Boy Bamboo inside information.
Pay attention to the hashtags!
Look for tips with #ActualFatHacks before you take Paunch's advice - he's a cartoon character, so his knowledge of human affairs is theoretical at best.
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Paunch's 3rd Fat Hacks Compilation
1: Apply antiperspirant at night.
If you use antiperspirant to help control sweating, it will be more effective if you apply it at night before you go to bed.
Putting on antiperspirant in the morning does less to prevent sweat because it doesn't have as much time to soak into your pores without being rubbed or sweated off, especially if you put it on directly after a shower.
By putting on your antiperspirant at night, the active ingredients have time to work on your body.
You'll sweat less throughout the following day.
You can still smear on a little deodorant after a shower to keep you smelling fresh, but your antiperspirant action should last for 24 hours, even after a shower.
In other words, if you start to stink halfway through the day, go for deodorant in the mornings and antiperspirant at night.
Otherwise, you should be fine on the night shift.
2: When wearing shorts, get the length AND the width right.
Big dudes like us all too often have chicken leg syndrome.
Our bodies are big, and our legs look like toothpicks in comparison.
Wearing shorts is pretty much necessary in summer...unless we all agree to start walking around in Speedos.
There's just no way that jeans are acceptable 365 days a year.
But long, wide shorts that only show our cankles only amplify the chicken leg issue.
Here's how to fix it: Wear your shorts a little shorter, and a little skinnier. That's right.
The point is to avoid being shaped like a trapezoid.
Seriously, shorts that are a little bit tailored and a little bit above knee length are the solution to chicken leg syndrome, but don't believe me.
3: Insecure about your body? Dress as a sumo wrestler.
Sometimes, big guys like us feel a little out of place.
Maybe your friends are all talking about the marathon they just ran, or perhaps all of your coworkers are crossfitters.
When you're hanging out with athletic people, don't feel out of place.
Just get a sumo wrestler mawashi!
(The mawashi is the loincloth bit, FYI.)
Sumo wrestlers are totally badass athletes, and your athletic friends will be super impressed by your weighty physique if you dress the part.
4: Grow a beard.
The way you groom your facial hair has a huge impact on the overall attractiveness of your face.
You don't need to look like a lumberjack, even though we totally endorse lumberjacks.
Just grow enough facial fluff to work with, and trim it into a nice shape that flatters your face.
Of course, you might not know what shape flatters your face.
But that's why there are barbers who do this sort of thing professionally.
Well-groomed facial hair can take you from dumpy to dapper with a few strokes of a straight razor, so seek expert help if you're at all unsure.
Beards never go out of style, either, so you can keep your lumberjack look long after the hipsters have abandoned it in favor of some other trend.
5: Can't grow a beard? Sharpie.
Sometimes, your hair comes in a little sparse.
Fill in the blanks with your girlfriend's eyeliner pencil, or go for street magician chic with a black permanent marker.
It helps if you also fill in your eyebrows to match.
6: Pants with words on the butt are TOTALLY in right now.
Sometimes, it's fun to be a little trendy.
After all, it proves your social savoir-faire if you keep up with the times.
Right now, what's totally in (and not at all a gross misrepresentation of the facts) is pants with words on the butt.
They're so hot.
If you've got a cute butt, all eyes are on you.
If you don't have any butt at all, at least you've got a clever slogan.
7: Take an improv comedy class.
Vegas Theater Hub - Las Vegas, NV
Want to get better at handling awkward situations?
Would you like to do better work and get more recognition at your job?
Are you looking for ways to attract and impress beautiful, fun women?
Take an improv class. Improv comedy forces you to operate outside of your comfort zone, and it makes you way better at thinking on your feet.
You'll notice an improvement in your overall confidence level, and you'll become wittier, more spontaneous, and pretty much more of everything that girls like.
It's also just a lot of fun, so there's that, too.
What are your #FatHacks?
Tell us in the comments, or Tweet directly to @PaunchPanda on Twitter!