It's Finally Fat Guy Fall!
It's Fat Guy Fall! If you came to this post looking for videos of big guys falling down, you're in the wrong place.
We're talking about the season when temperatures finally drop to something reasonable and our women have the inexplicable urge to drink pumpkin-flavored coffee.
You know, Fall. Autumn.
Also known as - the best time of the year.
Fat Guy Fall is sort of an unofficial (ahem...made up) holiday that happens somewhere around the beginning of October, because the panda who invented it lives in Las Vegas where the entirety of September passes in the 90-100 degree Fahrenheit range.
For those of you who live in areas with slightly less infernal climates, you can celebrate Fat Guy Fall whenever fall actually happens in your area.
How to Celebrate Fat Guy Fall
The rest of the world might not know about Fat Guy Fall yet, but soon, they will. At least, they will if you tell them. As a fat guy and a cartoon panda, I'm a big fan of Fat Guy Fall celebrations. They're the perfect way to ease out of "get your body swimsuit ready" season and into "buy stretchy pants because Halloween candy and pumpkin pie are everywhere" season. Consider this your official invitation to participate in Fat Guy Fall festivities!
Step 1: Buy yourself a gift.
Congratulate yourself on surviving yet another summer by getting yourself something you like. My totally biased, yet eminently informed opinion is that you should get a new tee-shirt, but of course, you can pick anything you want. Though, I have it on good authority that new colors are coming very soon. Just saying.
This is the perfect time for you to buy yourself a present: stores are gearing up for seasonal sales, and they want their shelf space for tree ornaments and tinsel.
That means that lots of cool stuff is on sale, but it's early enough in the season that nobody really expects you to be shopping for other people yet.
Bonus: You actually get something that you want, and you don't have to pretend to appreciate it.
Plus, Oprah (probably) said that loving yourself is important, and the giving of gifts is an act of love.
That means it's good for your self-esteem. Go ahead. Get yourself something nice.
Step 2: Have a feast.
During the Fat Guy Fall Feast, sharing is optional.
Fall is a time of harvest, and most cultures have some sort of celebration feast to mark the occasion and revel in the abundance of delicious food.
Of course, now that we're in a developed country, most of us only know there's been a harvest when pumpkin patches start popping up in parking lots.
The modern Fat Guy Fall Feast
If you're feasting for 1, we recommend reviewing our buffet strategies before you go.
And if you're feeling really festive: 'Tis the season for competitive eating!
Enter a pie-eating contest, challenge a friend to see who can fit more marshmallows in their mouth, or take on one of those giant food challenges at a restaurant near you.
Here are some of the challenges in Vegas, in case you were wondering.
Step 3: Visit a barber.
Hey, guys can get makeovers, too.
Most of us haven't updated our look since high school, and despite the fact that we're still total beasts, we could probably stand to get with the times.
Plus, a trip to the barber is actually a really pleasant experience.
It's like a spa day, except not.
Look: There's nothing wrong with a spa day, but have you ever considered the manly version?
Get a real, actual barber to give you a real, actual, professional shave.
He'll show you how to groom your facial hair for maximum masculinity, help you choose a new hairstyle (which you'll probably stick with for the next 20 years) that makes your face look even more handsome, and he might even drop some manly wisdom while you're there.
Don't worry if you have exactly no sense of style, either.
My friends at the Art of Manliness - I wish they were my friends, anyway - put together this video to help you work on your barber communication skills.
Step 4: Go on a hot date.
Now, you look a little extra dapper.
You're fluffed up from your Fat Guy Fall Feast.
And you're feeling the self love...
It's time to turn on the charm and get yourself some un-self love.
Other person love.
Whatever you call it.
Go on a date.
Maybe you're already married - I think your wife would probably appreciate a date night just as much as you do.
If you're single...try Tinder or something maybe?
I'm not actually good at this. You could always try one of my favorite pickup lines...if you're feeling brave, and probably wearing a cup.
Step 5: Take a nap right in the middle of the day.
This is the time of year when smart animals eat a lot of food, build up some extra chub, and then sleep it all off.
There's a lot of wisdom in that.
Every day, you power through because you've got a job and a life and stuff, but it's Fat Guy Fall!
You deserve a mini hibernation.
Use your lunch break for a nap and eat at your desk, or take an extended nap on Saturday afternoon when nobody is around to interrupt you.
It's your season.
You should live your life the way it was meant to be lived - chubby, snoring, and slightly covered in Cheeto dust.